Couplehood by Paul Reiser

Author:Paul Reiser [Reiser, Paul]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-307-57447-3
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 2011-06-01T04:00:00+00:00

And when you find your seats, it’s still not over. One of you has to go back out to get the popcorn. That’s usually my job. I’m happy to do it, but there’s no moment more embarrassing than when you come back into that dark theater and realize you don’t know where you’re sitting. Suddenly, you’re 4 years old and lost at the circus. You’re near tears: “Honey? Honey—” You’re sitting in people’s laps: “Sorry, wrong row.… Honey, where are you? … I got the Gummi Bears you wanted.…”

If you can’t find the seats, you’ve got to go to the front row and walk up the entire aisle, in plain view of everyone, hoping your partner will see you and come to your rescue. Of course, they’re watching the movie at this point, and the last thing they’re thinking about is you.

So you’re wandering up and down the aisle like an idiot. “Help me … somebody … don’t you see I’m dying here?” You’re standing in front of a crowd with your arms full of crap you didn’t even want. “Someone pull me out of this hell!”

You bump into other guys who are just as lost.

“Honey?!”

“Babe?!”

“Sweetheart?!”

“Hey, my wife is ‘sweetheart.’ ”

“Sorry … HONEY?”

That’s all you hear: men whining, and women whispering men’s names loudly.

“Steve! Steve!”

“Leonard!”

“Mitchell! I’m over here!”

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